So, I was planning on posting, the first edition of: Rowntree Adventures. Where yes, I’m very literally going to be bombarding you, with the adventures of Billy the fish and his quest for the musical ice cream. Made using the rowntree random sweets – true to the random nature I’ve promised to my thousands of adoring fans (ahh a girl can dream). But…in all honesty, it’s not going to be finished for the next couple of days. I sincerely apologize to the thousands of fans already mentioned, and especially to the Rowntree characters, who are aching for their big break(Don’t worry Billy, mate we are still rooting for ya!).
But I decided I better post something soon, before the lil footprint, my blog has left on the internet, gets wiped out, by the thousands of cat videos that have come after it and have already stamped it into endangerment.
Finally inspiration struck! And I now find myself going against. the principle of my blog, in yes, only the second article of it;by talking about something kind of serious (Don’t worry it’s only”kind of”).
So, I had a kind of heart to heart with my boyfriend today (awwwwww). It was about that feeling….you know…The one that feels like your head first, staring down the barrel of the gun we call life. With no sense of direction, but the ratcheted straight line you see before you, that goes straight to the detonator and is inevitably going to blow up in your face.
It comes from that horrible glimpse of reality you get, normally around about the time of your birthday or an anniversary – basically anything that rubs in your face: “Haha You’re getting old and this s*** is getting serious, Na na na naaaaah na! “.
I read this quote once, ( okay fine, its from TV ) : “I used to think the worst feeling in the world was losing someone you love, but the worst feeling in the world is when you realise that you’ve lost yourself”. For along time I didn’t get that, I was like – errrrmmmm No fricking way! Have you had your heart broken? Have you lost a friend before?…Well obviously not if you think like that, hum. But then I realised, when I was staring down that gun; life is just a game of Russian roulette. We buy our time, exercise every feasible and infeasible strategy , but no matter how many times that barrel rolls, there is only ever one inevitable outcome …death. That’s why our media is bombarded with the philosophy “Carpe diem”, and why we feel silently judged by the hippies and naturalists telling us to make the most of life.
Though how can we?
Don’t they realise there are such things as: family, mortgages, the fancy house you picked out when you were just a child. You’ve also got to consider, the book you may never, actually get round to writing, the nights playing at Wembley Arena, with that seriously cool rock band you dream about, maybe every single night. How can we possibly do it all? How can we finish a 9-5 and then seize the day? Whilst we are seizing the day, how old is to old to start a family? Can I have a family and travel the world? What if I never get promoted and am forever known as the bitch of the work place, to familiar to ever be praised and to scared of failure to stand on my own two feet? How can we have what we want, what society tells us we need and still be live our lives?
How do we know that when we are lying on our death beds, waiting for that final judgement; that we don’t look back on our lives and think: “Man why did I ever become an accountant?”, “I always wanted to see India.” ,”Why didn’t I get the man of my dreams? “- Well the truth, is we can’t. No one knows.
So that’s why every second counts.
Because the truth is when you lose yourself, you lose everything. The feeling of control over your life. You begin to question everything- the person you were, the person you will be, why you are friends with the people you are closest too. Losing yourself, is worse than losing someone (except from in the case of bereavement), because you have to face that gun, and you can not let it consume you. Because no one will help carry you, if you can’t already carry yourself.
I started feeling this anxiety, and I mean really feeling it, it consumed my every thought, dictated my every action and I even infected my dreams.
Then I came across a poem : “The Road Not Taken” – by Robert Frost; very quickly it became my favourite poem of all time, mainly because of this, last stanza:
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I’m sure most of you can see the allure that would have to anyone in that situation, especially to a literature fanatic with an unhealthy attachment towards nature. Genuinely Robert Frost pretty much became the love of my life through those 20 something words.
Because he gave me hope.
He made me realise that all of our “roads” in life, are completely unique. Sure we may share a crossroad or two, with someone ,or our roads may join for part of the journey; but everything that happens along that journey is our burden. It’s our joy. We all will or have, all dealt with losing ourselves and our way in life. But that’s what makes life fun. For those are the moments, when we must seize the day.
Because everyone finds their path scary and there are always unexpected twists, but we must go on; and this seems to be the part were we all falter. We start thinking about: What we should have and where we should be. We forget about what we want, and what we need. This is the divergence in the road Frost was talking about.
I told my boyfriend, that he needs to think about what he wants, from his life. The things he truly wants to do and the dreams he’s not willing to let go of. I told him that he needs to think about, what is important to him in life…what he wants to get from it all.
You should never base what you want from your life, on your- society, parents or friends- because when you are on that bed, waiting for the final judgement, they won’t be with you; looking back on your every move.
Life is a beautiful and fragile thing. So welcome the feeling of that gun. Don’t let it stop you. In fact, embrace it! Take the road less travelled by. Use the fear to evaluate your life and make your own road; because, although it’ll be f***ing scary,it’ll make all the difference.
Losing yourself, gives you the chance to find the new you, the true you.
At least, that’s what I tell myself, when I feel like I’m losing my way.